It Takes a Village to Raise a Child

Women’s Day is coming up soon. Seems like a good time to talk about why women are choosing not to have children. There has been quite a bit of discussion about declining birth rates in developed countries. Experts have suggested various reasons for this including better access to contraception, higher education, more control of finances, prioritizing careers, access to healthcare or the high costs of childcare. But the one reason no one is discussing is the profound isolation mothers experience. There is no longer a village around to help raise kids.

Women are expected to raise healthy, well adjusted children mostly on their own while doing the vast majority of domestic labour, working a full-time job, getting regular exercise, maintaining a healthy body weight, preparing meals, growing a garden, shopping for groceries and playing with their kids. Not to mention, dress fashionably, chauffeur kids around, stay young forever and be the emotional support team for the entire family including children and your partner, if you have one. Somewhere in there you should be taking a vacation and spending some leisure time with friends. It’s impossible to meet all these demands and still get eight hours of sleep at night. Women are exhausted and burnt out. And if your Mom was one of these worn out caregivers, you’re likely feeling pretty jaded about becoming a parent yourself. 

Being a mother is not supposed to be this difficult. In fact, for 95% percent of human history, it was a whole lot easier. For starters, mothers used to enjoy the same amount of leisure time as fathers. They also generally lived in close knit communities that provided way more help that the modern mother gets today. According to Elena Bridgers, science writer and maternal mental health researcher, women only spent about 25% of their time caring for children as hunter gatherers. The other 75% of time mothers spent foraging for food and hanging with the rest of the community. Kids, older than three, enjoyed a childhood like mine, playing with a mixed group of neighbourhood kids, largely unsupervised, in the forest. Today’s parents spend a lot more time one-on-one and if you only had one child like me, you are their only playmate. It’s draining, especially after a full day’s work and all the other responsibilities required of mothers in this day and age. I do often wonder if the hunter gatherer life would have been easier despite not having hot showers or flushing toilets. 

I really struggled with maternity leave. I felt so lonely and isolated that I finally went back to work after six weeks. We hired a nanny to make that possible and that’s where all my earnings went too. It paid for my sanity. Then I started reading Elena Bridger’s blog, Motherhood Until Yesterday.  I’ll admit, I felt vindicated! I always had a  hunch that motherhood shouldn’t be so difficult. It was comforting to read that my experience was to be expected given the circumstances.

I’m now resentful when I hear experts say that the reason women are choosing not to have kids is because they put their careers first. I love my kid! I enjoyed spending all that time with her. I just  didn’t want to do it all alone. Mother’s want and need help. Sure, I had a partner, but he relied on me to do all the labour while he went to work travelling around the world on business trips. I felt trapped at home just trying to keep the house clean and my kid fed. I don’t think this lonely lifestyle is healthy for kids either.

Kids need fresh air and free play. But, in modern society everything is a threat to their safety. They spend most of their time indoors and in supervised activities. Less freedom for kids means less leisure for parents too. The screen has become a welcome distraction. It might even be safe to say that screens have become the modern village. Experts weigh in about this too, arguing that screen addiction is a widespread problem. I believe it is the symptom of a bigger problem which is a complete disconnection from the community.

I remember when my child was in daycare, the care providers instructed the children to never talk to strangers. How can we make new friends if we don’t talk to strangers?! A better option would have been to instruct kids to not go anywhere with others without letting a parent know first. It took years for my kid to unlearn this. 

A Blackfoot elder told me how they used to raise kids. Parents were encouraged to love and nurture their children, but the extended family and wider community taught them how to behave and provided discipline. Moms, how much easier would motherhood be if you didn’t have to be the one disciplining your kids?! We can usually get away with murder within our immediate family but life is really difficult if you don’t learn how to get along with others in your community. This way makes more sense to me, demonstrating yet again, how helpful community can be for parents and children.

Rugged individualism, a nuclear family with 2 kids spaced close together and your own detached house seems to be the only acceptable way to have a family now. In my opinion, that’s what is really driving the birth rate down. Younger women aren’t blind. They see what their mothers went through, they see how lonely and isolating parenthood is without a community. It really is a sacrifice to have children today. Couple that perspective with the threat of human extinction, is it really a mystery why many are opting out of parenthood? If we really want to make parenthood less of a sacrifice, we have got to figure out how to restructure society and bring back the community.

In the meantime, for all you Moms out there struggling to keep it together., I encourage you to read Elena Bridger's blog. You might feel isolated but you are not alone. Help each other out, start new conversations and build back the communities we need to raise our kids. We were never meant to do it alone.